Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

It is Friday, and I find myself feeling out of sorts. It's the first Friday in a long time wherein I had the preceding Thursday off, and worked a Friday day shift instead of an evening shift. The resulting off-kilter sensation has left me wondering what to toss into the blogging fray.

I could have presented you with silly anecdotes involving work, life, the universe and everything else. I could have ranted about one of my employees who continues to be both a source of macabe amusement and vexation all at once. I also could have shown a series of webcam picks involving me and a "No Pants" dance.

(Because you don't need pants if you want to, and you can leave your pants, because your friends have pants, and if they have pants, well then they're no friends of mine.)

Instead I have opted to fill ridiculous amounts of this particular bit o' nowhere with something far more pointless. A while back, I pondered the concept of crossover fanfiction and what makes them so inherently full of fail. It was then that I realized that most crossover implode on themselves because the various universes being strewn together possess many incongruent or contradictory details; and rarely is a fanfic writer able to successfully negotiate these conflicts in a believeable manner.

This of course leads to unintentional humour and a lot of pain as heads crash-boom-bang against desktops. Thusly, I created the "ABC Crossover Horror!" exercise, which if anything is meant to be a source of amusement as opposed to inspiration.

Using the alphabet (but leaving out those pesky, extra "Cookie Monster" letters), I selected a series of random characters, places and objects from a variety of known fandoms. From there, my mission was to craft them all together in a "so bloody ridiculous it might just work" synopsis, using each letter-based item in proper alphabetical order.

This is the result....




It all begins in England, where ALUCARD, the infamous vampire/vampire hunter, under orders from the Hellsing Organization, is sent on a dangerous mission. (As opposed to saving kitties in trees and then eating them, which is something Alucard does every now and again in the off-season when he’s not destroying ghouls and the like.)

A new, sinister force is rising to threaten the world, and Integra Hellsing is not about to let England fall into the clutches of the fiendish mastermind known as the BRAIN. Yes indeed, the genetically enhanced lab mouse has once again escaped from his cage in Acme Labs (England Division, and would you like a spot of tea with that?) and embarked on his latest bid for world domination. Aided by his smart-as-a-side-order-of-gravy assistant, Pinky, the Brain has at long last come up with a foolproof plot that will guarantee his ruling of the planet.

“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?” asks the Brain.

To which Pink naturally replies, “I think so, Brain, but I doubt MPreg really is a good way to drive up the number of reviews for your fanfic.”

However, an unexpected monkeywrench looms on the horizon for the would-be megalomaniacs: not very far from the Acme Labs (England Division, and would you like another spot of tea?), Clamp’s favourite magical girl, CARD CAPTOR SAKURA, is touring the country as she learns more about Clow Reed.

Sakura’s journey takes her to Hogwarts, where she learns that Clow was one of the school’s best graduating students ever. And no tour of Hogwarts is complete without the obligatory run-in with the resident misunderstood badboy, DRACO MALFOY.

As to be expected, insults are traded, hair is pulled and sideglances are made at bosoms. (Sakura’s, not Malfoy’s; the MPreg won’t happen until the sequel, when we’re desperate to drive up the number of reviews.) But after beating him down with a few Clow Cards and a random levitating sausage, Sakura forges an unexpected friendship with Draco. Draco quickly reveals his secret angst over being half-Veela, three-sixteenths Scottish, one-quart llama, and still ninety-six-point-two percent jerk-off.

Sakura is also introduced to Draco’s new animal familiar: EBICHU, the housekeeping hamster! (Which suddenly explains so many things, not the least of which is why the last two spots of tea tasted oddly like bacon and lemonade…) After a steamy, romantic scene in the Prefect’s Bath…where Ebichu accidentally floods the bath after snapping off half the faucets…Sakura and Draco decide to make their own fate together, and leave Hogwarts.

On the run from Ministry officials, Death Eaters and Michael Flatley, the two find themselves trapped in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm. It also doesn’t help that Ebichu accidentally deployed the Wood Card and totalled the seriously kickass Harley Davidson motorcycle Draco has secretly been working on in the Hogwarts garage for the last three years.

But what luck! There’s a light over at the FRANKENSTEIN house!

Soaked and in need of shelter, Sakura and Draco knock on the door…only to discover that they are just in time for a wild gathering of unconventional conventioneers. After Ebichu leads them all in a rousing dance of the Timewarp-

Ebichu: “It’s just a jump to the left, dechu!”

Conventioneers: “And then a little step to the rii-iii-iiii-iiight!”

Draco: “Hey, these pelvic thrusts are really fun!”

Sakura: “But why do we have to get stripped down to our underwear?”

Draco: ^-^ “I don’t mind.”

Sakura: “That’s because you’re wearing my panties!”

Draco: “This chapter: crossdressing. Tomorrow: MPreg!”

Ebichu: “Are we that desperate for reviews already, dechu?”

Soon after, the conventioneers are greeted by Dr. Frank N’ Furter, that sassy sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania. After making them quiver with antici…pation, Frank N’ Furter allows Sakura & Draco to stay the night.

Coincidentally, also staying over at Frankenfurter’s abode is GILES, one of the last Watches left alive on the Vampire Slayer Watcher’s Council. As it turns out, Sakura is not only a Card Captor, but a Slayer as well. Draco on the other hand, is still a jackass. Things go south as Ebichu runs off with Rocky, leaving Frankenfurter to seduce his three human guests.

Yet before the doctor can get to the Medusa Machine and start the floorshow, the HEAVYARMS CUSTOM lands in the backyard. One brief gunfight between the Gundam and some ninjas who inexplicably appear later, the hatch to the pilot’s compartment opens up, revealing INDIANA JONES!

Clad in his leather jacket and fedora hat, Indy cracks his whip and takes out another two ninjas. It is quickly revealed that Indy has traveled across time to help out Giles, since Buffy is Indy’s long-lost granddaughter. (No really! The supplementary character profile created for him has a flowchart and everything proving it!) Everyone piles into the Heavyarms.

Suddenly Michael Flatley attacks! But Indy is able to fend off the dark lord of the dance with a JEDI MIND TRICK.

Things are finally looking up for our heroes…right until the Heavyarms gets rolled up by a KATAMARI BALL. Indy tries to free them, but alas, he’s still not entirely sure how to drive standard on a Gundam. A dizzying scene change ensues!

Once everyone regains consciousness, they wake up and find themselves lost inside the LABYRINTH. Sakura immediately befriends Sir Didymus, while Draco’s toupee runs afoul of the Bog of Eternal Stench. There they meet Alucard, who has been whiling the time away by playing dodgeball with the detachable heads of the Fieries.

As it turns out, the Brain has crowned himself the new Goblin King after winning a pants-off against Jareth. And once he builds up an army of muppets, he will rule the world!! (Because no one would ever suspect the muppets.)

But fear not! For also travelling through the Labyrinth is the kawaii and sexy transfer student from America: MARY SUE!

Much to everyone’s surprise, this fangirlish waif is not only Sakura’s long-lost second cousin (which also makes her Indy’s long-lost, grand-something-or-other), but she is also the true Heir of Slytherin, the actual Lord of the Dance, the bestest Gundam pilot evah and the person who single-handedly saved the flathead pandas from extinction!

She has milky white skin and shining, deep almond eyes (made with real almonds!) that reveal the angst-ridden trials she’s had to endure in life. Which can also be understood with the lyrics of a Linkin Park or B-52’s song. Her long locks of at times chocolate caramel-coloured, other times fuchsia with a slight hint of lime-coloured hair bedazzles the entire cast. (Or else it could be the God Complex they’re staring at. Tea?) For today’s fic, Mary Sue is wearing a smashing set of zebra-patterned boots that go all the way up to her knees; black fishnet stockings; a fully regimental Scottish tartan kilt; two loose belts that have hanging from them all sorts of strange mystical items like Jack Sparrow’s compass, or her wizarding wand that has a phoenix feather, a dragon’s tooth and a unicorn’s foreskin all put into its core, or her carefully-guarded copy of the Necronomicon; and she has a black leather jacket overtop the latest tshirt to come out of Hot Topic, and oh dear lord, how much longer is this paragraph going to run on?!

So behold Mary Sue, all ye lowly fanpeeps! Gaze upon her mighty self-insertion and despair! Faster Mary Sue! Thrill! Thrill!

Ebichu: “Ebichu worships her Sueness, dechu!”

Draco: “Where the hell did you come from?”

Ebichu: ^-^ “Ebichu crawled in through one of the gaping holes in the plot, dechu!”

But all those random bits of comedic dialogue can only detract from the glory of Mary Sue. After informing everyone of the Brain’s nefarious scheme (and all without using the letter ‘d’, because she is that gifted a Sue), Mary Sue volunteers to lead them in storming the goblin castle

Alucard promptly sticks Mary Sue to the Katamari Ball and kicks it into the Bog of Eternal Stench. And there is much rejoicing.

Onhand for the festivities is N*SYNC! Recently reunited--

********
A/N: horrays! Justin finally brings sexyback to my fav. boyband EVAH!!!onesies!!!1!

********

--and having mysteriously stumbled into the Labyrinth after their latest concert, N*Sync serenades the gang with their newest #1 hit: “You + Me = OTP.” And while they quickly make friends with the assembled cast, N*Sync can’t stay for long. As it turns out, they’ve been tasked with taking the ONE RING and casting it into the fires of Mount Doom.

Accompanying them on their journey is PRINCESS SERENITY, who reveals her self to actually be half-elf. No, really! True story! See, the Silver Millennium happened to coincide with the period of time known as the Third Age of Middle Earth. During this time, Queen Serenity had a torrid affair with Elrond, making her a princess, a Senshi and a half-elf.

She immediately makes a pass for Draco and generates horrid amounts of angst as Sakura begins to feel insecure about herself and her relationship with Draco. As the gathering wanders the Labyrinth, torrid affairs, romantic interludes and accidental nakedness ensue. Sadly, most of the nudity comes from Ebichu.

Somewhere along the way, Giles is captured, brainwashed and ultimately joins Pinky and the Brain in the goblin castle. The loss of one of their treasured members hits the team hard, and so while everyone is trapped inside the Oubliette, Draco & Sakura try to lighten the mood with some healing sex.

As a last-ditch action, Indy decides to call in a favour he’s owed by Q.

With a snap of his omniscient fingers, the roguish member of the Q continuum transports the gang out of the Oubliette, and into the first-class cabin of a luxury jumbo jet that is circling over the Labyrinth.

But they can’t relax for long, because suddenly REAVERS attack! In a bold move, Alucard sacrifices N*Sync and allows the others to escape while the boyband is eaten, skinned and raped to death. (Quite possibly in that order. These are Reavers, after all. And more tea, dammit!)

The worst seems to be behind our intrepid band of heroes. However…there’s SNAKES ON THE PLANE.

Indy: “Snakes on a plane…why did it have to be snakes on a plane?”

Ebichu: “Ebichu will suck out the poison out from your pants, dechu!”

Indy: “Do you serve any other function beyond making scary comments?”

Alucard starts shooting holes in the windows as Draco, Sakura, Indy, Serenity and Ebichu race to the cockpit. However, the snakes seem to be everywhere! Oh noes!! Cornered and out of ammo, everyone wonders if this chapter might be their last.

But at the last possible moment, the plane reveals itself to be a TRANSFORMER. And in the process of transforming into an Autobot, all the snakes are sucked out of the plane. Plane-O-Bot-Four lands right at the front gates of the castle and vows to help defeat the goblin armies.

Yet with Giles leading the goblins, it appears that team player-killing is inevitable. The two sides are poised on the brink of all-out war. Ebichu also finds the Brain and challenges him to a crayon-wielding deathmatch.

Suddenly U2 appears, and within minutes Bono manages to secure peace between the goblins and our heroes. Even the Brain is touched by the humanitarian efforts and ceases his current plot for world domination. U2 then throws a massive concert for the Labyrinth, and everyone sings along to all their favourite songs.

Victory must be at hand!

However…unbeknownst to everyone else, the VENOM SYMBIOTE has landed in the Hundred Acre Wood and wastes no time bonding with WINNIE THE POOH.

The Vemon-Pooh symbiote is recruited by the Persian god-king XERXES, who is searching for a slightly less demoralizing target than those pesky, three hundred Spartans. The shadows of his mighty army fall over the Labyrinth, causing everyone to reform their ranks.

Eager to whup some ass, Alucard takes point on the goblin armies. Giles and the Brain help secure the defences, while Indy manages to get the Heavyarms revved back up. Plane-O-Bot-Four volunteers for a potential suicide mission to take down the Venom-Pooh. Sakura and Draco use what magic they can to boost everyone’s powers, while Princess Serenity accidentally opens up a temporal portal and manages to bring over all the Sailor Senshi, a Totoro and Bruce (don’t call him ‘Ash’) Campbell.

And Ebichu & Pinky form the cheerleading squad.

Faced with seemingly impossible odds, Bono calls in a favour from his Jpop buddies, Happatai. For there is one thing that unholy Persian hordes have a weakness for, and that is…YATTA!!

The entire assembled cast dons fig leaves and running sneakers, and dances along! Venom-Pooh gets rolled up by the Katamari Ball, and Princess Serenity has a torrid affair with Alucard…at least she tries, right until she glomps Alucard and he turns into a small, orange cat.

Yes, you guess it and would you like more tea with that, Alucard has the ZODIAC CURSE from Fruits Basket! Z’oh-my-gods, squeeeeeee!!!

And here is where this epic crossover ends. Will there be a sequel? Only time and MPreg will tell…





Pinky: “Well, that was fun! So Brain, what are we gonna do tomorrow night?”

Brain: “The same thing we do every night, Pinky…”


[The Brain holds aloft the One Ring to rule them all!!]


Brain: “Conquer Middle Earth!”





***

Laughing? Frightened? Thinking you could sneeze out a better ABC crossover horror? Well, what luck! It's your turn now! (See? And here you thought the audience participation was limited to strictly giggles and head-desking.)

Go ahead. I dare you....

Labels: ABC Crossover Horror, encouraging fandoms to do scary things I may get lynch-mobbed for, Safety Pants

posted by Phillip at 6:18 PM

 


It occurs to me somewhere, somehow, that I have not updated in a week or so. It's not that I'm forgetful about my little bit of nowhere. (At least not this time.) It's also not because I have a lack of things to mention. (There are a few, and none of them involve pants.) It's mostly because I really haven't been in the mood.

You could call this antisocial. You could call this anti-Intarwebs.

I call it: why must June suddenly be so damned hot? You know, besides the whole "prelude to summer" thing.

Tomorrow is teasing/promising a high chance of showers, coupled with a thunderstorm...which I will probably miss entirely, since that seems to be the trend for the last 6 months, and it saddens me because I really love thunderstorms, but they're hard to see from inside a store that has no windows. So the theory goes there may be a reprieve to sitting in a puddle of my own sweat and asking myself, "do I really need to be wearing pants in this sort of weather, or should my loins be girded with something a little more insubstantial?"

(Okay, so I lied about this bit o' nowhere not involving pants.)

Work...we shall not speak of work for the moment, save for the fact that I could best describe last week as, "Hulk smash!" I really do sometimes question whether I have preschoolers working at the store...or whether actual preschoolers may in fact be more productive and give me less stress. (Them getting crushed beneath the weight of a set of luggage not withstanding, of course.)

Home is all about bathrooms, mostly ours finally getting inspected and fixed after the unexpected "randrops from the 4th floor toilet keep fallin' on my head" incident. From the looks of things, the damage isn't as severe as we'd been fearing; while in a malicious sense I was hoping for something more terrible so we could go "Told you, dammit!" to the tight-ass of an owner, I am relieved it's not quite so severe. Our bathroom should be fixed by tomorrow afternoon. After which there will need to be a lot of sweeping from the drywall dust littering...well, pick a surface, any surface.

Mind you, the downside is that we're still stuck with the hideous mint-green toothpaste coloured bathroom tiles. Gyaaaaa.....

In other news, apparently Gabe has already decided who I am. On our last visit, Mel was playing with Gabe as I came into the room. Mel pointed to me and asked Gabe, "Who is that?" Gabe's immediate reply was, "Geek!"

I honestly don't know if that's what he actually meant to say, but it still works regardless. At least I'm not the kind of geek who wants to make love to an AvP movie poster. (I've met such a geek, incidentally. I still don't think he has a girlfriend...)


Today's Lesson: the anime series When They Cry is a great, leisurely-paced show about the friendships between rural/really smalltown kids...right until everything goes all Children of the Corn-ish and characters are rendered large blood smears across most of the furniture.

Dammit, when's the next disc coming out?

Labels: bathrooms that should have been fixed months ago, lies about pants, random tangents

posted by Phillip at 8:40 PM